The Dark Tower

I've been thinking about The Dark Tower a lot lately. Specifically, about the movie that came out last year. Now, a lot of people have already dedicated a lot of time to say what they thought was wrong about the movie. I don't have anything new to contribute on that front, in fact I'm still on the fence as to whether I thought it was a bad movie or not. No, my concern is with something else.

For those who don't know, The Dark Tower is a series of books by Stephen King. It is considered by some to be his magnum opus, despite its obscurity even among King fans. He started writing it when he was a spry lad of 19, and finished it many, many years later, to the great frustration of its fans. The first book in the series is titled The Gunslinger.

Now for whatever reason, The Powers That Be decided to name the first movie The Dark Tower. Perhaps they thought it was a more interesting title than The Gunslinger. I guess I can see that, but there's a problem with this. King titled the seventh and final book in the series The Dark Tower. 

Now, I always hated that title. I could never understand why King thought that The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower was a good idea. Regardless, he did it. This creates a problem, because if the film series continues, eventually they're going to get to the last book, and what are they going to name that movie? They already used The Dark Tower. To that end, I thought of a few alternate titles that the suits might want to consider. I feel these capture the essence of the last book.

Be warned, minor spoilers lie ahead.

The Dark Tower VII: The White Lands of Empathica
The Dark Tower VII: Your Favorite Character Will Probably Die
The Dark Tower VII: The Crimson King Was a Total Letdown
The Dark Tower VII: Was Mordred or Patrick Danville a Worse Character?
The Dark Tower VII: They're Not Actually Going to Reenact King's Accident, Are They?

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

The Name Game

If you're not on my Facebook, you may not know that I'm married. And if you don't know that, then you definitely don't know that we're expecting my first child in November. Fraternal twins run in my wife's family, and for a couple weeks we thought we might be having twins, so we came up with sets of possible baby names. Now we know it's just one, and everyone but me is convinced it's a boy, so we've been focusing on boy's names.

When we thought it might be twins, I was all for naming the two boys Mario and Luigi. As video game character names go, they have the benefit of easy recognition, and more importantly, are real world names. So when we found out it's a singleton, my idea was to combine the names and christen our potential son Mario Luigi.

But now, the whole issue of my family's naming legacy has come up. As you can see in my profile, my middle name is Maxfield. It was also my father's first name. And his father's middle name. And his father's first name. I'm not sure how far back the name goes, but it's at least four generations. I was willing to make Maxfield my son's middle name, but my Mom wants to keep the pattern going. And she's recruited my wife.

So there's a campaign in my family right now to name our son (we don't for sure it's a boy yet, but everyone is seeing it as a forgone conclusion) Maxfield Mario Luigi. Maxfield Eric was also suggested, but I'm not into that at all, so I'm striking that name from the running. I think it was only suggested to stroke my ego, anyway.

So now I'm trying to decide, do I want to name my son Maxfield Mario Luigi? Does anyone out there have an opinion on the matter? Let me know.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Required Reading

I'm not going to name any specific examples here, but more astute readers will probably know what I'm thinking of. I have a question to pose. Am I the alone in thinking that a lawmaker should actually read a bill before voting on it?

It seems like there ought to be a law for that. Don't vote on a bill if you haven't at least skimmed it on your lunch break. I understand that these bills can get so long they come with their own research librarian, and that's before you load them down with pork. I understand that those bills have to be some of the most boring reading on Earth. I really do get that. But you know what? It's your job, plain and simple. Yeah, it sucks, but that's what you're getting those inordinately large paychecks for. We didn't elect you to smile in front of cameras, defend other members of your political party, or spend your entire term running for reelection. We elected you to write bills and to vote on bills. You wanted the power, this is the price.

Nobody's expecting you to memorize these things. This isn't school, we don't need you to quote sections of it by rote. But you should understand what's in this bill your colleague is proposing. Don't vote for it just because one of your guys wrote it. Certainly don't vote against it just because one of the other guys wrote it. That's High School nonsense, and you're supposed to be beyond that by now. And don't stick to party lines and then whine when the other guy does the same thing. That might fool the people who just show up at rallies to be told things they want to hear. But those of us who are paying attention notice it, and it's not winning you any points.

Once again, because this bears repeating. No one's expecting you to memorize the whole thing, but you should at least understand it. When I go to vote, there's usually a proposal or two that I'm asked to voice my opinion on. When those come up, I read them carefully. Then I read them again, because I usually didn't understand it the first time. Then I read it a third time, to make sure I get it. Yes, it's boring. Yes, there's other stuff I'd rather be doing. But you know what? It's my civic duty, and I take that seriously.

Oh and one more thing. If you don't read it, don't go on news and try to defend yourself by saying "Have you seen the size of that thing? Do you actually expect me to read the whole thing?"

Yes, Mr. or Ms. Member of Congress, that's exactly what we expect you to do. It's your job.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Facial Hair Blues

I shaved my beard for Halloween, as I usually do. So I decided to participate in No Shave November to grow it back. Unfortunately, my facial hair grows very slowly. It's the middle of the month, and I still look like a neckbeard.

I think next year I should pick a costume that incorporates a Van Dyck, like Ming the Merciless or David Xanatos.

The Political Landscaper

I'm not going to talk about the election yesterday. Not any directly relating to it, good, bad, or other. I just had one thought I wanted to commit to the Internet before it fled my mind.

Years back, when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor of California, I joked that it was a brief step towards making the future of Demolition Man a reality. It was a joke, but I was kidding on the square, as they say.

It seemed to me that every four years, the people trotted out as serious contenders for the White House made the idea of a Schwarzenegger presidency seem more and more likely. Every four years, the bar got lowered, so that wackos who would have been laughed at in the previous election were being taken seriously the next time around.

Now it seems to me that a Schwarzenegger presidency is not only plausible, I wasn't even thinking far enough ahead. After all, it's not like we haven't had an actor become President before. And all it would take is a single Amendment to allow a foreigner to be President. And I have the feeling there's plenty of people who wouldn't have cared if it did turn out that Obama was born in Kenya.

So the idea of an actor born on foreign soil winning the Presidency isn't too far fetched anymore. No, we gotta go farther. So in that vein, I think that we can look forward to seeing Jack Slater run for President. As in, the titular character in Last Action Hero. Someone who is not just a fictional character, but someone who is a fictional character within the work he appears in. A "show within a show" character, as it were. He's not even real in the movie, that's how fictional he is.

And I think he has a decent shot at the White House. I might even vote for him We could do worse.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

I have to say, I'm impressed

You may have heard, last night the Chicago Cubs won the World Series for the first time in over a century. I'm not a baseball fan myself, but I've noticed something about baseball fans in this city: They don't understand the meaning of "not a fan." I've had the following conversation at least twice every baseball season of my life.

Fan: Do you like the Cubs or the White Sox?
Me: I don't watch baseball.
Fan: Yeah, but do you like the Cubs or the Sox?
Me: I'm not a sports fan.
Fan: ...But do you like the Cubs, or the Sox?

Maybe this is the case everywhere, or just in areas that support more than one team. But in Chicago at least, you're not allowed to have no preference. They seem to be incapable of understanding that other people may not be fans. If you're one of those people and don't understand what I'm saying, imagine this alternate scenario.

Me: Which is better; Star Trek or Star Wars?
Person: I'm not into Sci Fi.
Me: OK, but, Star Trek or Star Wars?

I must say that I imagine this conversation has taken place somewhere. Sports fans aren't the only people to have myopia about their interests.

Having said all that, I won't pretend that I didn't care at all about the World Series. My father was a big Cubs fan, as is my wife. And I've lived in Chicago my whole life, so the spectre of not winning in over a century has hovered around me as much as anyone. So I did have some hopest that things would finally go the Cubbies way, and this city (or at least half of it) would have something to celebrate.

I had no idea if they would win or lose. But I was worried that either way, there would be riots. Sports championships seem to have that effect on people. But I've been scanning news sources, and I can't find any evidence that this was the case. I'm rather proud of us for this. For the most part, it's been business as usual. I have to commend my fellow Chicagoans, we know how to win with style.

-Long Days And Pleasant Nights

Get Out the Vote

This is something that I discussed in a previous post, but with the election coming up, I find myself thinking about it more and more. This November, a lot of people will not bother to vote. I can understand the reasoning in a lot of cases, but it's something that bothers me greatly.

One thing that bothers me is the same as when people do whatever they can to avoid jury duty. They're willing to reap the benefits of living in this country, but can't be bothered to engage in the responsibilities inherent in citizenship.

But mainly what gets to me about refusing to vote is the concept of voter apathy. The idea that your vote doesn't count. Fortunately, this trend is changing, albeit slowly. The last few election cycles, at least during Presidential elections, has been the highest then it was since the 60s, but we're still seeing around 40% of people not going to the ballot. But there's still a lot of people who don't think their vote makes a difference.

I disagree. For starters, by not voting, all you're doing is ensuring that your vote doesn't count. The best way to make sure your voice isn't heard is to stay silent.

Try a little thought experiment here. Say voter turnout this year is 55% (slightly less than 2012). That leaves 45% not voting. Now imagine, for the sake of the argument, that most or all of that 45% aren't voting because they think both Trump and Clinton are poor choices (and I think this theory might have some validity). Now imagine they think that a third party candidate would be a great choice for President, but they are staying home because they think voting third party is throwing your vote away. Just think if that 45% decided to head to their polling place on or before November 8th, and they all voted for that third party candidate.

I'm not saying that person would win, but it would definitely change things. People would perceive this so-called two party system differently. People might reconsider the power their vote has. Clinton or Trump might still win the majority and thus the White House, but they might not feel so secure in the Oval Office.

Now, I'm not saying that if you vote third party it'll fix all our problems. I'm not even telling you that toy should vote third party. Make your own decision. Vote for who you think is the right candidate. You don't have to go with the lesser of two evils. If the person you want isn't on the ballot, write them in. Vote however you want, but for Heaven's sake, vote for someone. It's something to consider.

And if you don't vote, don't try and tell me it's my fault that the system is full of corrupt politicians. I'm making an effort here, which is more than you did.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Dragon Ball Z

90% useless

Earlier this year, a movie called Lucy came out. I only saw the previews for it, so I can't comment on the film's quality. But from what I did see, the basis of the movie is that the titular character can perform amazing feats because she's using more than 10% of her brain. My first thought upon hearing that was "people still believe that nonsense?"

As has been explained countless times by people more qualified than me, and will probably have to be explained many more times, humans do not only use ten percent of their brains. We use all of our brains, same as we use 100% of our stomachs, or 100% of our eyes. We don't use it all at the same time, true, but even then, more than ten percent is used at once. You're using more than ten percent of your brain right now, as you read this. You use more than ten percent even while you're asleep.

This ten percent fallacy, while it crops up occasionally in (usually soft) Science Fiction, seems to get the most press in the realms of mystic pseudoscience. Hemp-wearing, patchouli-smelling New Age Retro Hippies from Sedona, if asked, will likely tell you that the untapped 90% of the brain contains untapped abilities that can unlock the true power of the human psyche. And then they'll try to sell you a book to read, seminar to attend, and/or herb to smoke that will help you achieve your full potential. It usually turns out that just one isn't enough, either. One has to wonder why, if they've plumbed the secrets of the cosmos, they still have to worry about crass concerns like money.

And if  you think about it, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Whether you believe in evolution, the Book of Genesis, aliens dropping monoliths on the planet, or whatever, why would we be walking around with organs that are 90% unused? That's extra weight we don't need slowing us down, energy our bodies need being wasted for no reason. From a purely biological sense, it would be an albatross around the neck, hindering our survival. The world simply doesn't work that way. If we really only used 10% of our brains, then our brains would be 10% of the size it actually is. That or we'd be extinct.

One last thing, there's a related idea that says if we were to use 100% of our brains, it would transform us into some sort of superman, possibly even a being of pure thought. Unfortunately for us, there is a time when the human brain is 100% active: during a seizure. And I don't think anyone would consider that to be the pinnacle of human development.

 -Long days and pleasant nights 

If it is broke, don't fix it

I can't stand it when someone posts an article about a politician doing /saying something stupid, and following it with "and this is why I don't vote." No, you don't vote because you're lazy and complacent, but let's put that aside for the time being. The logic of the statement boggles the mind. You don't want to fix the system because it's broken? What kind of sense does that make?
Then there's the people who say "Well, the other side is just as bad." Let's follow that line of thinking for a moment. The statement assumes that there are only two Parties. If you think the Democrats and the Republicans are both idiots, then what about the other options. Consider being a Libertarian (a real Libertarian, not the guys in the GOP who day they're Libertarian). Or a Socialist (again, a real one).
"Now wait a minute," you may be saying, "I might as well throw my vote away as vote for a third party candidate." It certainly looks that way when you watch elections on television, especially at the Federal level. But here's two things to think about. There's no law saying that it has to be a two Party system. In fact, the two Party thing is a rather recent occurrence. And even if it is easiest to have only two candidates, they can still be done, by nosing out one of the two current Parties.
Can't be done? Consider this. The majority of eligible Americans don't bother voting. Which means they either think the country is perfect the way it is, or they're weighed down by despair-based apathy. Considering the way these people bitch online, I'm going to assume the latter is the case. Imagine if all those people picked another Party to back, one that fulfilled this requirements for responsible government. We could have an actual Revolution on our hands.
But back to the original point, those people who say they don't vote because things aren't being run the way they like. Imagine if that method was applied to other situations. Say your car breaks down. You have it towed to a mechanic, who tells you he'll look it over.
You wait a while, and eventually he gets back to you.
"Your alternator is broken," he says.
You ask "How much is that going to cost to fix?"
But the mechanic shakes his head. "I'm not going to fix it. I'm not going to replace it, either. The other ones are just as bad. They all break eventually."
"Well, can I drive my car without an alternator?" You ask.
"Absolutely not," the mechanic says. "It won't even start without an alternator. Now go home." You stare in bewilderment, but he will say nothing more on the matter. Perhaps he even insults you for trying to fix your car.
Later that day, you see the mechanic has posted pictures of your car online with the caption "This is why I don't fix cars." You write your own post, complaining about how you had to get your car towed to another mechanic, and you had to get a taxi home. Within minutes, mechanics from across the country are telling you that you have no right to whine about your car, because you're the one who got it that way. They state that they also refuse to fix cars as a form of protest against cars that break down.
Yes, it all makes so much sense.
-Long days and pleasant nights

Lies and jerks

Ever notice the little ways we try to hide things from other people? I'm not just talking about that guy you know who can never admit he or she is wrong, I mean the small stuff we all do every day.
Like when someone calls you up and says "Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" And you lie and assure them no, you're always up at 3:30 am on a weekday. Why do we do that? Are you afraid of offending someone who just dragged you out of bed to tell you that episode of "I Love Lucy" that you like is on. I do it myself, and I have no idea why.
Then there's the people who don't want to admit that they didn't
Or, soaking of the person who can't admit they're setting what about people don't want to admit they don't know something, but are so obvious that they must be doing it in purpose. I used to work with this one woman who anytime she got a question answered, would say "I already knew that, I just wanted to see if you knew." She'd say it with a smile like she was kidding, but if you pressed her, she would insist that she already knew.
Then there was this guy who called my phone and asked to speak to someone who wasn't me, let's call him Phil.
"You have the wrong number," I said.
"No, I don't," he said. The implication seemed to be that he didn't dial the wrong number, I had the wrong phone.
"Yes, you have," I said.
"Are you sure Phil's not there?"
I assured him I was positive, that I didn't even know anyone named Phil.
"Look," he said, "Can you just ask if Phil is there?"
I said "I'm the only one in this car."
He muttered something unflattering about me and hung up.
I read somewhere that people tend to view situations as the result of personality traits in others, but with themselves they consider the circumstances. For instance, if someone is rude to me on the phone for reasons beyond my control, like in the above example, I think that guy is a jerk. But if I was the one venting my spleen on someone who didn't deserve it, I'd say "Well, I've been having a rough week, what with my car breaking down and all the trouble I've been having at work..."
Ever since I read that, I've tried to be more understanding of other people. If someone cuz me if in traffic, I tell myself maybe he didn't see me or is in a hurry for a perfectly good reason, rather than assuming he's a reprehensible pile of filth.
It didn't so me from cursing him out when it happens, though.

-Long days and pleasant nights

Back, Maybe

I see it's been almost a year since my last post. The two or three people who actually read this thing may be wondering why I've been away for so long. Simply put: I've been busy.

I don't usually discuss my personal life here, unless I'm relating an anecdote or similar. I'm going to break that format for the moment, so I can explain why I've been neglecting my writing, and why I've been the happiest I've been in my life.

Her name is Amarilys Lily, and she is my other half.

I used to think it was hyperbole, or worse, sentimental nonsense when people said thing like that. I used to think I'd be alone the rest of my life. That light at the end of the tunnel starts looking awfully distant after 30+ years. I used to think love like you see in the movies was a pretty fantasy invented by foolish dreamers. I used to think a lot of things.

The last year has been an amazing, dizzying, scary, impossible ride to places I told myself didn't exist. Intoxicating and sobering all at once. I discovered that I hadn't forgotten how to dream, merely forgotten why I should.

So forgive me for being away, and forgive me if I do it again. I'm in love, dammit, and I wouldn't take back a moment of it for anything.

I love you, Amie.

-Long days and pleasant nights 

The Hotel Room

I had an idea for a series of commercials that some chain of hotels, like Holiday Inn or Best Western, could do. It follows the basic format of celebrity endorsement, with a twist that I think will be very successful. Here's a sample run.

EXT. HOTEL

A nice shot of the outside of the hotel, in bright sunshine, with a few scattered clouds

DESK CLERK
Thanks for choosing us, sir.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY
The camera shows a side view of SHAQUILLE O'NEAL receiving a hotel key from a young female DESK CLERK

DESK CLERK
Here's your key. I really hope you enjoy your stay, Mr.O'Neal
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL accepts the key

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
Thank you, I'm sure I will.

DESK CLERK
Tommy will show you to your room.

DESK CLERK gestures off-screen. SHAQUILLE O'NEAL turns. The camera changes to his point of view to show TOMMY WISEAU, dressed as a bellhop. Cue theme to The Room.

TOMMY WISEAU
Oh hai, Shaq!

Camera cuts briefly to SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, looking bemused.

TOMMY WISEAU
So let's go to your room, hah?

INT ELEVATOR
TOMMY WISEAU struggles to get luggage cart into elevator.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
Do you need a hand with that?

TOMMY WISEAU
Don't worry about it!

INT HOTEL HALLWAY
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL walks down the hall alongside TOMMY WISEAU, who's pushing the slightly damaged luggage cart.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
So then he says, "If I'd known you were on the Lakers, I would have charged you double!"

TOMMY WISEAU
Hahaha, what a story!

INT HOTEL ROOM

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL enters his room, followed by TOMMY WISEAU. The camera is focused on the two actors, not showing the room.

TOMMY WISEAU
Well, here you go!

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
Thanks, but isn't this unusual for a hotel room?

Camera cuts to shot of the hotel room, which is dressed to resemble the apartment from The Room.

TOMMY WISEAU
It looks just fine to me. Anyway, enjoy your stay in THE ROOM.

Cut to splashscreen of the hotel's logo.

INT Hotel Room

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL fishes in his pocket for something.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
Oh here, a little something for you...

TOMMY WISEAU
Don't worry about it! A-hahahaha!

FADE TO BLACK as TOMMY WISEAU continues to laugh.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

It takes all kinds to make a can of mixed nuts

A while back, I was reading this "theory" by one of those Young Earth Creationists, trying to pose what he clearly thought was "definitive" proof that dinosaurs didn't live no millions of years ago.

His stance was this. His wife had bought a can of mixed nuts, and he'd been messing around with them, shaking the can. He noticed as he did so that the largest nuts tended to sink to the bottom. He left his conclusions out, clearly as an exercise for the reader. His intent was clear, he was trying to say that dinosaur bones "sank" to the Earth's lower strata, which is why paleontologists think they lived a long long time ago.

I probably don't have to enumerate the problems with that "theory," but I'll give you a random sampling. One, the Earth is not a can of mixed nuts. Maybe if the entire Earth was one big sandy beach about 30 feet deep, with regular Earthquakes spread uniformly across its entire surface, his idea might have some weight. But it's not, and the geological strata scientists dig through to get to dinosaur bones (among other thing) is solid rock, so there's nothing for the bones to sink through. Also, despite public perception, dinosaurs weren't all huge monstrosities that made the Earth quake with every ponderous step. Just like now, dinosaurs (and the other animals alive at the time) came in all shapes and sizes. For his theory to be true, the largest dinosaurs would mostly be at the bottom of the Earth's crust, and the smallest would be at the top. This is not what we find when we go hunting dinosaur bones.

And perhaps most importantly, what this man did was not a scientific experiment. It was what's commonly known as "grasping at straws." Anyone can take some random observation and make a wild generalization based on it. Here's a few examples.

1) I threw a ball at the ground, and it came back up. How can gravity exist if the ball is allowed to travel away from the Earth?

2) I took a rock and threw it as hard as I could. It didn't travel to Miami as I expected, it instead landed not too far from me. Therefore airplanes cannot exist.

3) I own two dogs, and they mated and had puppies. Extinction can't be real.

4) I once climbed to the top of a tree, and I could still breathe. All those pansies at NASA don't have to waste my tax money building spacesuits, they should just cowboy up and breathe space air!

See? It's fun.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

EXPECTO BENGHAZI!

Has anyone noticed that to the 15 or 16 die hard fanatics out there who just won't let go of it, the word "Benghazi" is like a magic wand that can be waved to end any partisan debate. And to those determined to turn it into a scandal if it's the last thing they'll do, they'll find a way to shoehorn it into any discussion of politics.

"Hey, the ACA enrollment numbers are up. Some commentators are saying they may reach their goal for enrollments."
"Millions of insured people are nothing compared to fpur dead Americans in Benghazi."
"No, I guess not, but look. Three more States are considering expanding Medicaid coverage."
"Medicaid wouldn't have saved the lives of four dead Americans in Benghazi."
"I don't see how that applies, but I suppose it's a true enough statement. But hey, how about Chris Christie? I bet this whole George Washington Bridge thing is hurting his popularity."
"If you think I'm going to let some real scandal distract me from four dead Americans, you can Benghazi my Benghazi."
"What about Bob McDonnell? Looks like there's a lot of trouble brewing with the GOP right now."
"No cuz Benghazi."
"Or Dave Agema. So far the Republican Party has had a rough year."
"BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"

Edit:

On further reflection, I think "Reductio ad Benghazium" would have been a better title for this blog.

Second edit:

Another point that I wanted to make, but forgot to include in the original entry, is that I find the language these few true believers use to be very interesting. Whenever they talk about the attack, they always say "four dead Americans." Not "four innocent lives," or "four people died." It's as if the important part isn't that four people died. The important part is that 'Merica. One gets the impression that if the only people who died in the attack were, for instance, four Libyan groundskeepers, nobody would care. "They should have thought about that before being born in Libya," people might say.

Perhaps the Left should adopt this strategy, and instead of talking about "America being plunged into two wasteful, pointless wars based on a lie," they could instead talk about "6,795* Americans dead" in Iraq and Afghanistan combined.

* Number obtained from figures at http://icasualties.org/

Exercises in Authoritarianism

Where I live, you can't park on my side of the street on Mondays so the town can do what it laughingly calls street cleaning. By this they mean some guy in a modified zamboni sprays water on the street and rotating brushes push the dirt around some. There are signs posted on every street, saying you can't park on this side on a certain day, between 9 am and 4 pm. The police, having nothing better to do, watch this like hawks, ready to swoop down in an instant so they can temporarily relieve themselves of the stultifying boredom of policing a town that has roughly 5x more patrol officers than it could ever possibly need.

Sometimes, I forget about this, and park in front of my house on Monday.I did so back in November, and received a ticket, probably the instant I was out of sight. The ticket used to be $25, but it's apparently been bumped up to $50 now, since the government always keeps up with inflation, except where wages are concerned. That or someone's been on their backs to crack down on this epidemic of people parking inconveniently. There was a court date on the ticket, set for later in this month. I suppose there's such a backlog of felonious reprobates such as myself that it takes that long to get down to me.

I went back and forth over whether I would attend the court date or not, and today I decided I might as well just pay the ticket. The last couple times I'd paid in person, the police dept. was kind enough to reduce the fee to roughly half. So like a responsible citizen doing his civic duty, I went down to the police station. When I went in, there were two officers chatting behind the counter. One broke away and approached the foot-thick bulletproof glass that separated him from the dangerous world outside. He asked what I needed, and I explained that was there to pay a parking ticket. He informed me that the Village Hall now handles parking tickets. I thanked him and left.

Maybe it was the blast of cold air, but the moment I stepped outside I was filled with dread. The police in this town are hardly shining beacons of public servants, but they are occasionally able to tell the difference between a hardened criminal and a simple mistake. But the soulless automatons of Village Hall are a bunch of pencil pushing, by-the-numbers, unbending bureaucrats if ever any existed. They weren't going to be doing me any favors. I'd be lucky if anyone there stepped around me if I accidentally stood in one of the ruts they'd worn into the floors during their daily routine.

But being that I was out and about already anyway, I headed down there. The power games began the moment I approached the counter. Like the police station, there were two people standing around talking when I entered. However, all similarities ended there. No one stepped away from their chat to see if they could help me. In typical government worker, neither of them so much as acknowledged that I was in the room. I imagine had I been naked, on fire, and pronouncing their doom in the voice of God, I would have gotten the exact same treatment. At one point, a third person approached and joined the conversation. She managed to enter the room, talk, and leave without even pointing her body in my general direction.

Eventually, the conversation ended, and the two women retreated to their desks. Moments after that, one of them said "I'll be right with you, sir." I thought the "sir" was a nice touch. It seemed to say "We couldn't care less about whatever stupid reason you have for darkening our doorstep, but that doesn't mean we don't respect you." Granted, for all I know, she was speaking to her stapler, since she didn't even look up from her desk when she said it.

A while after that, the other woman approached, fixed her gaze on something over my right shoulder,  and asked what she could do for me. I held out the ticket and my checkbook, and said that I wanted to pay a parking ticket. She asked someone in my general vicinity if I could take it out of the envelope it had been placed in. I did so, and though she didn't ask me to, I unfolded it for her as well.

Having an excuse to stop pretending to look at me, she took the ticket and examined it. She evidently didn't actually read anything on it, because she asked me how much it was for. I told her I thought it was for $50, and she said that sounded fine. Too bad I didn't say I thought it was for $10. I just might have gotten away with it.

I explained I would be paying by personal check, and she told me who to make the check out to. I asked for a pen, and she shot an invisible person next to me a dirty look and gave me one. As expected, she didn't even offer to reduce the fee.

As I left, she thanked me. She actually thanked me. Her actual words were something like "Thank you very much," but what I heard was "Thank you for bowing meekly to our draconian authority. Next time be prepared to pay in blood, mortal." And these people wonder why "bureaucrat" is a dirty word.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Think, People, Think!

I've been waiting for an excuse to break out my old "Think, People, Think!" series of blogs, but I hadn't found anything worthy for a long time. I even managed to convince myself that people weren't just blinding believing any old thing they read on the Internet.

Well, silly me. There's a new hoax out there, one that people who napped during critical thinking lessons in school are falling for. Though the merry pranksters coming up with these merry pranks are getting smarter. This one wasn't posted as an anonymous facebook post or chain email, this one was lovingly crafted to look like an actual ad.

It doesn't surprise me that someone made this. There's always someone out there pathetic enough that they think inflicting chaos for the sake of chaos is some sort of twisted social darwinism. And I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that people fell for this baloney. Apple has carefully cultivated a reputation as miracle workers for decades, striving to make themselves appear so advanced that any other comparable product is still in the Stone Age.

So I can accept the fact that people looked at that ad and their first thought was "Oh, wow, that's cool." What does surprise me is that their second thought wasn't "Wait, how could that possibly work?" The problem comes from the fact that the average computer user has absolutely no idea how technology actually works, and assumes their phone, tablet, etc, runs on magic.

It's like the old Three Stooges gag (seen here at about the 5:30 mark) where Curly drills holes into a sinking boat. When Moe asks Curly why he did that, Curly explains that he's "letting the water out." We laugh at Curly's stupidity, because you don't have to be an engineer to understand why his plan won't work.

Yet with a computer, you can apparently say "This software update will make your hardware waterproof," and folks will believe it. The obvious solution is to increase our understanding of computers so that trolls can't make people throw their brand-new phones in the bathtub. But there's a simpler solution, use your own (lack of) knowledge to your advantage.

It goes like this: you read about how the new ios7 can make your phone waterproof. Stop for a second. Can you think of any way that could be possible? Of course not. That makes the information suspect. Question it. If you can't answer for yourself if that sounds real, do some research. It won't kill you.

So, that's my advice. Remember the old adage, "If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is." Similarly, if you read something that stretches your conceptions of what's possible. question it. Even if it doesn't, question it. Never stop questioning. Asking questions and seeking answers is what made us humans what we are. The houses we live in, the cars we drive, the iPhones we throw into bathtubs, all down to asking questions. Never stop asking questions. Never.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

What a story Harvey!

Just a little something I whipped together when I realized that Tommy Wiseau looks like a poorly-aged version of Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver.

 

Not everything is a Righteous Cause

Recently I read an article on notalwaysworking.com about a person who quite literally saw everything as racist in some form or another. There was one thing in it that caught my attention, for she used a term I scorn, though it doesn't seem to be in the way it's normally used. The term she used is "reverse racist."

Now, the general usage of "reverse racism" is to refer to something that's discriminatory against white people. I know at one time it was a popular term for white supremacists to use, though they may have moved on since then. Anyway, the term is ridiculous, since it implies that "regular" racism is something only white people do. Ironically, that makes the term "reverse racism" itself a racist statement.

Urban Dictionary lists two different definitions for reverse racism. Obviously, since the site is basically a wiki and more often than not used as a joke, I'm not try to cite them as a valid source. But I do want to use it to illustrate the point I will be elaborating shortly. Here's the specific entry I'm referring to. Now, the first definition is the one I've been talking about, and even the guy posting it notes how silly it is. The second definition seems to make a bit more sense on the outside (reverse racism is favoring someone because of their race), but it smacks of dangerous implications. Besides, there's already a term for that; positive discrimination. Granted, that's not a whole lot better than reverse racism, but I don't want to go off on a tangent here.

I'm not going to discuss the other definitions offered, suffice it to say that I have my own idea of what reverse racism is, and that's what I'm here to discuss. Going back to my first link, I'd like to point out the second incident the poster described. He said that his co-worker, a self-described "Social Justice Warrior," was attempting to uplift a Hispanic custodian so he could rise above the menial work he was forced into. The man she was trying to free from the shackles of ignorance and hate pointed out a few flaws in her argument. One, he applied for the job he had. Two, he didn't mind sweeping floors for a living. Three, he's Hawaiian, not Hispanic.

None of these points made any dent in the Social Justice Warrior's armor. She started accusing him of perpetuating the problem, and stormed off in a huff because he wouldn't let her help him. Now, this is what I want to draw your attention too. Twice in her diatribe, she states that she can "help" him. Here's where my personal definition of reverse racism comes into play. I'm not going to fault her for thinking he was Hispanic. I have no idea what the guy looks like, and while I hope I could tell the difference between a Hispanic and a Pacific Islander, for all I know the guy may have looked Hispanic. No, what bothered me was the woman's insistence that the man needed her help. That he was powerless on his own to free himself from the shackles of (imagined) oppression.

Call it what you want; gall, arrogance, what have you. It just seems to me that it was mighty presumptuous of this person to think the custodian needed her help. That, to me, is reverse racism. The idea that minorities can't become equal unless Mighty Whitey swoops in to save the day. I call it reverse racism because she clearly didn't realize how racist she was being. I get the feeling the woman in that anecdote subconsciously operated under some racist beliefs herself, and was so shamed by it that she spent her waking hours attempting to end all injustice, real or imagined.

Now, I'm not saying that minorities aren't facing injustice. I'm not saying that they wouldn't be glad of help in creating social change. But the thought that those in the minority need those in the majority, that they can't do for themselves, is asinine and insulting. It's patronizing to say that they can't do for themselves without a flicker of light from the Great White Hope.

I guess what I'm saying is, be willing to lend a hand, but don't force it. And certainly don't get angry when your unasked for help is refused.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Feelin' the Burn

I've recently discovered that where there used to be a Lutheran Church in my neighborhood, there's now a rather half-assed attempt at a park. It's got some planters, a few trees, an arch in the middle of nowhere, and some exercise equipment. No word yet on how the Lutherans in the area feel about all this.

The exercise equipment in particular caught my eye, as I'm currently in the middle of my 547th attempt to try and get serious about fitness. They've got this stair climber machine, a sort of upright bench press machine, a chin up bar, and some other stuff, including something called "Tai Chi Wheels" whose exact purpose I have yet to divine.

Now, I have a rather old elliptical at home, and I use it almost daily, in between getting repairs done on it. And I've noticed some difference, like increased energy throughout the day, but I don't feel like I'm actually burning any fat using it. So for the last few days, I've been attacking the stuff in that park, especially the ones that work on upper body strength.

The first time I tried it, I was thoroughly depressed by my performance. I couldn't do a single pull up, though that hardly surprised me, I couldn't even do pull ups in High School, much to my gym teacher's chagrin. The most I got out of that was some popping sounds as my spine decompressed from having my weight taken off it. Situps were likewise a fiasco, I think I did about five. I managed about 10 or 15 pushups, which heartened me a bit, and I did pretty good with the bench press thing (though I didn't realize till later that I had it on  the lowest possible setting).

So the last couple days, I went all out. I did as much as I could make myself do at each station, walked about a mile, then did it again. I could really feel it last night, and I was sure I'd wake up today sore as hell, a sure sign I pushed myself. And I do feel a bit sore in spots, but not what I was expecting.

So, I guess I'll just have to keep pushing myself. This time, I will get rid of that spare tire around my waist, and this time, I mean it. Just like every other time.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights