Rumbles From The Earth

I was thinking about those letters you sometimes get from family members who live far away and/or travel a lot. I've noticed that it seems that it's always the wife who writes the actual letter, even when she's not be the one who's the blood relative. I tried to imagine what a letter from the husband might sound like.

Dear Phil and What's-Her-Name:

I'm just teasing, Janie. I remember your name. Well, we had quite a year! Jimmy came home for a week from Des Moines or Spokane or wherever the hell it is he lives now. He's got a good job up there, which is good because I worked my ass off for ten years to pay for that degree! We met him at the airport, and he bitched about my driving on the way back, like he always does. We sat around and shot the shit for a while. We had some of that new beer Budweiser makes that's made from wheat. Humperdorf or Humperdink or whatever down the street told me it's pretty good, and he oughta know, being German and all.

Here's us in front of some
mountains somewhere

In May we went on a trip to England. By the way, DON'T GO TO ENGLAND IN MAY! The weather sucked, though the food wasn't as bad as everyone says it is. We stayed at some nice chateaus were they make wine, or was that when we went to France last year? Well, now that I think about it, I don't remember anyone at the place speaking too good English, and I'm pretty sure "chateau" is a French word. So that was probably France. Beautiful women there. In France, I mean. England probably had some lookers as well, but it was raining all the damn time so I couldn't see. I wonder why they call those guys Frogs? Or is that the French again?

Anyway, after that, we visited Gretta, who's living in Zurich now. It was nice there, and I got to see my grandkids. I taught them "pull my finger." Great kids, though I could swear that one of them looks a lot like that Hispanic guy that used to live down the hall from her when she first moved out. Your mother thinks I'm insane, but I don't know. I don't remember anyone in our family ever having hair that dark. We were supposed to go on a tour of the city, but my knee was acting up from all that rain in England, so I stayed behind while your mother went on it. Did you know they get The Simpsons out there? You wouldn't believe how weird they all sound in German. Funny, and all this time I thought they spoke Swiss out there. I asked Gretta's husband, and he said there isn't any such language as Swiss. Can you imagine that? That's gotta be weird, living in a country without its own language. Well, besides America, that is.

Oh, your mother said that Zurich is lovely. She's got about four zillion pictures to show you if you ever stop by to see us (hint, hint).

And so we're home now, resting our bones before the fire and all that stuff old farts like us are supposed to do. I spend most evenings at the V.F.W. Hall, and God knows how your mother keeps busy. You should give her a call some time, she pines like crazy for you kids. It's funny, you spend years scrimping and saving for your kids, praying for the day they move out so you can get some peace and quiet. And then one day you look around, and realize they're gone, and you don't have a clue what to do with yourself anymore.

Well, I gotta run. Hal Johnstone died last week. You remember him, guy from the V.F.W. who always gave you that cinnamon candy you hated. We're having a memorial or some crap for him tonight, and I gotta press my good pants for it.Hope you're doing well.

Love,

Dad

P.S.
I remember now. The French are Frogs. The English are Limeys.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights