Hot talk about T&A

A few years back, I watched a movie called Absolon, a typical low budget direct-to-video Sci-Fi film starring Christopher Lambert. A couple weeks ago, I was on the site tvtropes.com and discovered that they didn't have a page for Absolon, so I decided to make one. The link above is to that page.

I had commented to a few people that with the exception of Highlander, every movie that Lambert has starred in -at least the ones I've seen- have been pretty crappy. I like watching those kinds of movies personally, I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of them. But I wonder what a man who's done a few big budget major motion pictures thinks when he's handed this kind of project. I imagine that the conversation with his agent must have gone something like this:

Agent: Chris, I've got a new movie here for you. It's called Absolon.
Lambert: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Agent: Well, uh, it's uh...
Lambert: Oh, man, don't tell me it's another direct-to-video movie.
Agent: Well, yes...
Lambert: It's probably a genre film, too.
Agent: Yeah, you could say that.
Lambert: Why do you keep getting me stuff like this?
Agent: Well, I think you'll like this one.
Lambert: Why's that?
Agent: You'll get to make out with Kelly Brook in it.
Lambert: <considering> Kelly Brook? The model?
Agent: Yes.
Lambert: The British girl with the...uh... <holds hands out about a foot from chest>
Agent: Yeah, that's her.
Lambert: I'll do it.

I was thinking about that motivation today, and I remembered something I'd heard somewhere. This study was done years ago were guys were made to look at pictures of people. A laser was set up that tracked where the eye fell on the picture, making a note of locations where the eye lingered. It was noted that when looking at someone, a person will look at one eye, then the other, then the mouth. And if a guy is looking at a woman, he will look at her breasts, as well. The man explaining this said "It turns out that men actually do like to look at a woman's breasts."

I'm sorry. This is news? Who was conducting this research? Aliens? Did someone really say "I wanna know if men like to look at breasts," and then get some grant money to perform an experiment, when he could have as easily asked his male friends? Or even his female friends? I somehow doubt women were unaware of this phenomenon. It's like conducting a study to see if humans would, given the choice, prefer to breathe air or poison. You'd think common sense and life experience would be enough to give you a definitive answer.

If anyone reading this is thinking about setting up an experiment to find out if men like looking at breasts, let me save you time and money right now. Yes, we do. I do, my friends do, my male family members do. Hell, I've met gay men who have expressed a fondness for women's breasts. There. Study complete. Now go cure cancer. Don't tell me you're a sociologist and wouldn't know where to start, just go cure cancer.

On the note of looking at visible parts of the female anatomy, I'd like to find the fashion designer who decided to print words on the back of ladies' pants and drop him or her down a cliff. The very first time I saw that, the first thought to enter my mind was "Oh, great. Something else for women to yell at me for looking at." Well, ok, the second thing. The first thing I thought was "What the hell is printed on that woman's ass?" I figure it's either a case of women moving forward in their plan to drive men completely insane, or distinct myopia. They go "Oh, how cute, there's something written on the seat of these pants!" and buy them, without considering the fact that this is going to draw the attention of people who see it.

And despite what some women seem to think, men they aren't attracted to are just as literate and curious as men they are attracted to. We're also not mind-readers. I've had conversations with women on topics like this, and the consensus seems to be that it's only Ok for a man to look at a woman if that woman finds the man attractive. Well, I don't know who does and doesn't find me attractive, so it's not like I have some kind of checklist I can carry around of which women's clothing it's safe to read.

And at any rate, if you're walking around with some pithy statement stretched across the front of your shirt, and you go "What are you looking at?" to an unacceptable male, you're not fooling anybody. Those words didn't appear there by magic. You knew full well that there's something written on your shirt, and that people's eyes are going to be naturally drawn there. Don't try and act like you're the innocent here.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights