You know what your problem is? I'll tell you what your problem is.

I have a friend, and I'm sure many of you do too, who I can only handle in small doses. He's a decent enough time, and we have some laughs together, but he's got this infuriating habit of being a dime store psychiatrist. He's certain he has the solution to all my problems, real or imagined. He's so convinced of this, he never even bothers to ask me what I think my problems are. He explains to me what's wrong with me, and then tells me what I should do about it, usually in maddeningly vague terms. Things like "If you want something, you can't just sit around and expect it to come to you, man. You gotta go out there and get it." Or "You gotta do like the exact opposite of what you're doing." Statements like these are usually followed by "I used to be just like you, and look at me now." Which is rather jarring, since his unsolicited psychoanalysis generally comes on the heels of him complaining to me about his own problems.

I get the feeling he's doing it for his own benefit, rather than some misplaced sense of altruism, and that's why it always comes right after he ruminates on his own regrets. He figures that by running through a laundry list of my supposed issues in life, followed by lightly condescending "help." he'll look better by comparison.

What really gets me about all this is the bit I mentioned before about him not even asking me what I think is wrong with my life. He seems to think he not only knows better than me what the solutions are, he also has a firmer idea of what's vexing me than I do. And more often than not, it's all built on false assumptions about what my goals are and where I think I need to improve my life. I can't tell if it's projection (He must really want this because I really want this) or he's just making it up as he goes along. Usually I assume the former, but every now and then he'll say something that as far as I can tell has no basis in reality, let alone either of our lives.

Even on the rare occasions when he does seek input on my own feelings about my life, he still turns it back around to himself. I can remember a recent one where I was talking about a job I'd just gotten (this would be the one I quit earlier this month), and he asked me how I liked it. When I confessed I didn't, but I could use it to pad my resume, he asked what I planned on doing from there. I told him my plan was to work there a year (I only lasted about two months in fact), then start farming out for a job that fit better with my experience. He asked if that was what I really wanted to do, and when I gave a half-hearted shrug, he starting going on about the his start-up company for about half an hour.

I don't mean to rag on this guy too much. Like I said, he's not really a bad person, and I've known him since High School, so I must see some reason to keep him around. But man, he can really try one's patience.

But I guess I'll keep listening. Even fortune tellers occasionally get one right by pure chance, so maybe in all that yammer he might hit on something that I'd actually like to work on, and chuck out some solid advice. And it seems to make him feel better to have someone he can unload on like that. I don't mind helping someone else unburden themselves. It's not like I gotta carry it around for them.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights