A shocking move that surprised no one

Well, after nearly a week of waiting, the Syrian government has announced the results of its careful and exhaustive investigation into the recent massacre in Houla. Amazingly, the government has determined that they had nothing to do with it! This announcement by the Syrian government, on the heels of repeated claims by the Syrian government that they were not to blame for the massacre, has sent reverberations throughout the world. The bold claim "We didn't do it" has obliterated beyond any shadow of a doubt the thousands of eyewitness testimonies that the government was responsible.

The thing I like best about this is that the Syrian government only kinda pretended to investigate the massacre. They released their results less than a week after the attack. I mean, I know that on television a week is an ungodly amount of time for an investigation to last, but this is real life, folks. Also, I love how they're blaming it on "terrorists." The only way to get more vague than that is to say the attack was carried out by "people with weapons."

I imagine the so-called investigation went something like this.

"Good morning, President al-Assad."
"Good morning. I'd like to find out who was responsible for the massacre in Houla."
"Very well." <stands up> "President al-Assad, are you responsible for the massacre in Houla?"
"No."
"Alright, then. Do you know who is responsible?"
"Terrorists."
"Any specific group? Maybe the name of a supposed lead..."
"Terrorists."
"Awesome. I'll prepare a press release for Thursday."

Included in the press release were a number of other things that the Syrian Government has announced they are not responsible for. Here's a partial list:

Global Warming
Josef Mengele
The Exxon Valdez crash
The Book of Mormon (editor's note: the list does not specify whether they mean the holy book, or the musical)
Those little white flecks you sometimes get at the corners of your mouth
Childhood obesity
The oppressive government in Syria
The Moon Landing
The death of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain
Tuberculosis
The 1945 bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
The career of Flavor Flav
Mosquitos
Beatlemania
Josef Stalin's mustache
1984 (editor's note: the list does not specify whether they mean the book, or the year)
The Pasteurization process
Formica
The fall of the Roman Empire
Maple trees
Pens with no ink that people refuse to throw out
Friedrich Nietzsche's mustache
Poor television reception
The Second Punic War
 Season Six of Saturday Night Live

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights