A shocking move that surprised no one

Well, after nearly a week of waiting, the Syrian government has announced the results of its careful and exhaustive investigation into the recent massacre in Houla. Amazingly, the government has determined that they had nothing to do with it! This announcement by the Syrian government, on the heels of repeated claims by the Syrian government that they were not to blame for the massacre, has sent reverberations throughout the world. The bold claim "We didn't do it" has obliterated beyond any shadow of a doubt the thousands of eyewitness testimonies that the government was responsible.

The thing I like best about this is that the Syrian government only kinda pretended to investigate the massacre. They released their results less than a week after the attack. I mean, I know that on television a week is an ungodly amount of time for an investigation to last, but this is real life, folks. Also, I love how they're blaming it on "terrorists." The only way to get more vague than that is to say the attack was carried out by "people with weapons."

I imagine the so-called investigation went something like this.

"Good morning, President al-Assad."
"Good morning. I'd like to find out who was responsible for the massacre in Houla."
"Very well." <stands up> "President al-Assad, are you responsible for the massacre in Houla?"
"No."
"Alright, then. Do you know who is responsible?"
"Terrorists."
"Any specific group? Maybe the name of a supposed lead..."
"Terrorists."
"Awesome. I'll prepare a press release for Thursday."

Included in the press release were a number of other things that the Syrian Government has announced they are not responsible for. Here's a partial list:

Global Warming
Josef Mengele
The Exxon Valdez crash
The Book of Mormon (editor's note: the list does not specify whether they mean the holy book, or the musical)
Those little white flecks you sometimes get at the corners of your mouth
Childhood obesity
The oppressive government in Syria
The Moon Landing
The death of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain
Tuberculosis
The 1945 bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
The career of Flavor Flav
Mosquitos
Beatlemania
Josef Stalin's mustache
1984 (editor's note: the list does not specify whether they mean the book, or the year)
The Pasteurization process
Formica
The fall of the Roman Empire
Maple trees
Pens with no ink that people refuse to throw out
Friedrich Nietzsche's mustache
Poor television reception
The Second Punic War
 Season Six of Saturday Night Live

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Jim Crow Flies Again

If you live in North Carolina, you may have noticed that the streets are a little safer tonight. For who knows how long, a sinister presence has darkened the State, putrefying everything it touches, and leaving none safe in its wake. Families have been destroyed by this invisible monster, and countless lives have been ruined. But now, the citizens of North Carolina can sleep a little easier, knowing that by the very skin of their teeth, disaster has been averted.

Not a whole hell of a lot has changed, has it?

I'm referring of course, to gay marriage.

Yes, that's right. Next to gay marriage, terrorism is a minor inconvenience. Soaring health rate costs are but a trifling affair. All those people with no jobs should be grateful that at the very least, two people of the same gender they've never even met won't be able to build a life together.

Can you hear me, Homosexual Agenda? You'd better run and hide back in your college campuses and the liberal media. The people of North Carolina have spoken loud and clear. They've said, just like in the 50s, that hate is alright, as long as it's leveled against a target they've deemed acceptable.

Some have said that there's nothing wrong with gay marriage. That if two people love each other, that's all that should matter. Apparently those people have some misguided idea that marriage is stable, and that the institution can withstand the pressure. But fortunately, the people who voted for this Amendment know differently. They understand fully the shaky foundation that heterosexual marriage is built upon. They know that the concept of marriage cannot possibly continue to exist if we start allowing homosexuals to join in on it. We have to stamp out gay marriage now, before people stop seeing marriage as something a man and a woman must suffer through, and start thinking of it as a bond between two people who love each other.

But don't think the fight is over, my friends. Reactionary homophobes in North Carolina may be celebrating their victory over decency and goodwill tonight, but they know that tomorrow the battle will resume. For, you see, gay marriage might now be unconstitutional in their State, but that hasn't changed the fact that gay people are still allowed to draw breath. It's not enough to stop gays from marrying. It's not even enough to cure them of their crippling affliction. The problem with a cure is that there's sometimes a relapse. So, in order to make sure that the threat of gay marriage can no longer darken our landscape, we have to make homosexuality a capital crime. And no slaps on the wrist for first-time offenders. We all know what they say about those people's wrists, and if we break it by accident, they might sue. And there just might be some namby-pamby bleeding heart judge out there willing to award damages. We have to stamp this out once, and for all.

And after we're done there, we can start doing something about those damn minorities, like we tried to do half a century ago.

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights