Cowboys and Aliens

There's a site I go to a lot called The Editing Room, though I usually refer to it as the Abridged Scripts site. It's a site that spoofs movies by writing shortened, satirical versions of the movie in question. Lately, the guy who runs the site has been accepting submissions from other people. After hemming and hawing for a bit, I decided to write up a treatment of Cowboys and Aliens to send his way.
However, like an idiot, I spent three hours doing a write-up before noticing that he already has an abridged script for the movie listed under his "Coming Soon" section. So, I decided to post my version of it here.

As you might imagine, what you are about to read will be full of spoilers regarding the movie. So if you haven't seen Cowboys and Aliens yet, and you want to, don't read anything below this line!

Cowboys and Aliens
Cowboys and Aliens

 By E. Maxfield Moen

EXT. THE OLD WEST

DANIEL CRAIG lays on his back in the middle of the desert. He takes quick stock of himself, noting a slash on his stomach that might be a GUN SHOT WOUND but probably isn't. He also has a HUGE ALIEN BRACELET strapped to his wrist.

 AUDIENCE:
 When the hell is he gonna say something? I want to hear how ridiculous his fake American accent is.

Three ORNERY-LOOKING SORTS ride up on horseback. They have a dog, because this is a STEVEN SPIELBERG film.

 ORNERY-LOOKING SORTS:
 Well, what have we here? I think we have us an escaped prisoner. I'm basing this on the fact that he's injured, which can only possibly mean   he's been shot, and the fact that he's got something on his wrist that someone high on acid might confuse for a handcuff.

DANIEL CRAIG stares at the ORNERY-LOOKING SORTS in a way that's supposed to be stern and threatening, but in actuality looks like he's about to vomit.

 AUDIENCE:
 Dammit, say something! Half the reason I bought a ticket was to hear yet another British actor try to sound like an American.

 ORNERY-LOOKING SORTS:
 You're coming with us.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 No, I don't think I am.

 AUDIENCE:
 Damn, that was actually pretty good.

The ORNERY-LOOKING SORTS draw their weapons, but clearly don't point them at DANIEL CRAIG or do anything overtly threatening. DANIEL CRAIG responds by BEATING THE EVER-LOVING SHIT out of them, and shooting them.

 AUDIENCE:
 What the fuck? He's the hero of this movie? He just killed three people in cold blood!

 DIRECTOR JON FAVREAU:
 One of them shot at him, and from behind, the coward!

 AUDIENCE:
 Only after he killed the other two. It was pretty plain at that point it was kill or be killed. Hey, aren't you the guy who directed the Iron   Man movies? What is it with you and asshole heroes?

 DIRECTOR JON FAVREAU:
 Uh...hey, look! Daniel Craig's bringing the dog with him!

 AUDIENCE:
 What dog?

The AUDIENCE notices the dog for the first time.

 (cont.)
 Awwww...look at the puppy! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

 STEVEN SPIELBERG:
 Works every time.

CUT TO:

INT. OLD WEST GHOST TOWN CHURCH

DANIEL CRAIG, and more importantly, THE DOG, enter the church. CRAIG approaches a basin and starts cleaning his wound.

 CLANCY BROWN:
 (holding a rifle on DANIEL CRAIG)
 Just what do you think you're doing?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 What's with the gun? I shouted like three times before I came in. Why didn't you say anything then?

 CLANCY BROWN:
 That's not how things are done in Westerns, boy.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Hey, aren't you Sergeant Zim from the Starship Troopers movie?

 CLANCY BROWN:
 Yep. I was also the Kurgen in the original Highlander. I'm pretty well known for playing tough, aggressive characters. I'm playing a kind- hearted preacher in this movie because I heard that acting against type is real Oscar Bait.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Dude, you're in a comic book movie.

 CLANCY BROWN:
 Shit. So, who are you, anyway?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 I don't know.

 AUDIENCE:
 Is this supposed to be some sort of twist on the hackneyed "man with no name" western trope?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 It's not hackneyed! We're doing it as an homage, not a rip-off!

 CLANCY BROWN:
 You know, the audience is probably going to start getting antsy if we don't bring in the aliens that make up half this movie's title soon. We'd  better knock out as many western clichés as we can in the next 15 minutes.

 PAUL DANO:
 Did someone ask for a storm of clichés? How 'bout the spoiled rancher's son shooting up the town? YEE-HAW!

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD WEST GHOST TOWN

PAUL DANO fires his gun wildly and at random in an amusing way. DANIEL CRAIG steps out of the church and KNEES HIM IN THE GROIN in a slightly less amusing way. PAUL DANO, in his rage, fires randomly again. Somehow, this time he SHOOTS SOMEONE.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Wow, not only did you get completely emasculated in front of literally the entire town, but that guy you shot just happened to be a law officer  who was just standing around for no apparent reason.

 PAUL DANO:
 I'll get you for this.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Alright, an unjustified promise of revenge. We're rolling now! Now, there's only one place here where I can really start knocking out western  cli...er, homages.

CUT TO:

INT. OLD WEST SALOON

DANIEL CRAIG looks around, seeing MEN PLAYING POKER, SOILED DOVES flirting with the menfolk, and STOOP-SHOULDERED DRIFTERS at the bar. It is, in other words, EVERY OTHER OLD WEST SALOON YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 Howdy, stranger. Folks 'round here call me Doc.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 So, what, you're a bartender and a doctor?

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 Doctor? Why would you think I'm a doctor?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Your nickname is "Doc."

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 ...So?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Is this town populated by escapees from an asylum? Why is it that the guy with amnesia is the only one who seems to have his head on straight?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Hello, Daniel. I'm one of two women living in this town, and the other one is married to Doc. Probably. The movie's a bit vague on that. So I'm  pretty much all you're getting for a love interest. It's a good thing I'm ridiculously hot.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 What the hell are you wearing? It looks like my grandmother's nightgown.

 KEITH CARRADINE:
 Daniel Craig, I found a wanted poster in my jail that bears a vague resemblance to you. You're under arrest.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Oh, really? Maybe this will help me to discover who I am. I should come quietly.

 KEITH CARRADINE:
 Uh, Daniel, this is a Western, remember?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Oh, right.

DANIEL CRAIG starts BEATING THE HOLY HELL out of KEITH CARRADINE and his DEPUTIES. Suddenly, he's stopped by OLIVIA WILDE, who knocks him out cold.

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD WEST GHOST TOWN

DANIEL CRAIG sits in a wagon with PAUL DANO.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Olivia, why did you stop me?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 I couldn't let you leave the town. You and I have some sort of connection that I'm strangely reticent to explain, so that probably means I know  all about the aliens.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 So your plan was to keep me in town? You do notice that I'm about to be dragged off in a wagon, right?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 ...

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Yeah, so, good plan there.

At that moment, HARRISON FORD rides into town with a POSSE

 HARRISON FORD:

 Sherriff, I can't let you leave. You got my boy in there, and by an amazing coincidence, your other prisoner robbed a stagecoach that had my  money in it.

KEITH CARRADINE and HARRISON FORD'S POSSE get in a good old-fashioned MEXICAN STANDOFF. Suddenly, THE ALIENS APPEAR!

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 What the fuck?

 HARRISON FORD:
 What the fuck?

 AUDIENCE:
 Yay!

The ALIEN SHIPS fly around, capturing townsfolk. On a related note, the town is suddenly far more populated than it had been moments before. They capture the townsfolk with chains that dangle from their ships, and not with, like people probably expected, tractor beams.

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 Those aliens took the woman who is on the balance of probability my wife!

 HARRISON FORD:
 Those demons took my boy!

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 Demons?

 HARRISON FORD:
 Well, if you think about it, it's logical that people of this time and place might draw that conclusion. I mean, Science Fiction as a genre was  barely in its infancy at the point in time in which this film is set, so we really wouldn't have any framework in which to fit the idea of  aliens from space. It makes sense that a bunch of hicks would assume that bizarre beings kidnapping their people would be demons.

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 That's surprisingly insightful for a popcorn-muncher Summer Blockbuster.

 HARRISON FORD:
 It is, isn't it? We better distract the audience before they start thinking too hard about this film.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Don't  worry, I got it covered.

DANIEL's wristband thing starts blooping and bleeping. Suddenly, in a manner nothing at all like another big budget film that came out this summer, it TRANSFORMS.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Well, ain't that some shit. I wonder that was all about? I'll just ponder that while I point it menacingly at this demon's ship...

A BEAM fires from the wristband. The beam hits the alien ship and BLOWS IT THE FUCK UP.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 IM'MA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!

CUT TO:

EXT. THE OLD WEST, THE NEXT DAY

DANIEL CRAIG, SAM ROCKWELL, HARRISON FORD, OLIVIA WILDE, and a bunch of other people ride out to hunt the aliens. More importantly, the dog comes with them. They find a RIVERBOAT in the middle of the desert.

 SAM ROCKWELL:
 What the hell is that thing doing in the middle of the desert?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Jon Favreau was watching Maverick the night before he started shooting, and wanted a riverboat in this film.

 HARRISON FORD:
 But that doesn't explain what a huge freaking riverboat is doing in the middle of the desert.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 No, but you just pointed out that that makes no sense, so the audience feels better that we're acknowledging the strangeness of the situation.

 HARRISON FORD:
 So, that's it? We're just going to handwave it with a line of dialogue about how it makes no sense?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Yep. Why don't we camp out there for the night?

 HARRISON FORD:
 Wait, why did we allow a woman to come with us? Isn't this still a time when women were generally considered to be weak and inferior?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 That one was handwaved a couple scenes back. Come on, let's go.

CUT TO:

INT. RIVERBOAT

The characters with lines who aren't DANIEL CRAIG or OLIVIA WILDE hunker down and get some serious CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT done. In true Western fashion, we learn that under HARRISON FORD's gruff exterior lies a heart of gold. We also get some brief COMIC RELIEF in the form of SAM ROCKWELL learning to shoot a gun.

 HARRISON FORD:
 Here, kid, take this knife. And to make sure you'll need to use it at some point, I'm going to unload a dumptruck's worth of exposition about  how I got it.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Well, it sure is quiet.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 A little...too quiet.

Suddenly, an ALIEN wanders into the riverboat and starts KILLING THE PEOPLE INSIDE. THE DOG chases after him. He disappears around a corner and YELPS. Then the ALIEN comes around to take the KID.

 AUDIENCE:
 NOOO! That cold-blooded bastard killed THE DOG!

The KID manages to squirm behind some cover that the ALIEN is too large to fit inside. OUT OF LEFT FIELD, the plating around the alien's chest splits open, revealing an extra pair of small arms, that apparently rest directly against his INTERNAL ORGANS.

 AUDIENCE:
 ARGH! How could they! I mean, it was bad enough that they killed and kidnapped my fellow human beings, but HOW COULD THEY HARM THE DOG!?

 KID:
 Um, guys? I'm currently being menaced by this alien, and I think I'm about to reveal a major weakness...

 AUDIENCE:
 (gnashing their teeth and rending their clothes)
 HOW COULD THEY? HOW COULD THEY? NOT THE DOOOOOOG!

 KID:
 Oh, fuck this.

The KID plunges the knife he just got from HARRISON FORD into the ALIEN'S chest, killing it instantly. Then THE DOG returns.

 AUDIENCE:
 Oh, thank God.

 KID:
 Yeah, that was pretty close...

 AUDIENCE:
 THE DOG LIVES!

 KID:
 ...You guys are assholes.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE OLD WEST, THE NEXT DAY

Something happens that reveals to the audience members that hadn't been paying attention that DANIEL CRAIG used to be a STAGECOACH ROBBER. He tries to regain control of his old band but fails, making the robbers an OBVIOUS SET-UP for later on in the film. DANIEL CRAIG and the others are leaving when AN ALIEN SHIP appears. It captures OLIVIA WILDE.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 I'm gonna jump onto the demon's ship and rescue you!

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Are you insane? Look how fast the thing is going! There's no way you could survive that!

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Hey, those kidnapped people got snatched away by these same ships travelling at high speed without their spines snapping. I can do it too.  Besides, I'm James Bond!

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 But aren't the James Bond films you're in supposed to be more realistic?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am!

DANIEL CRAIG jumps onto the ship. Some other stuff happens, then he and OLIVIA WILDE fall into a RIVER or ARROYO or some shit.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 I'm dying!

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 You can't be! You're my love interest! And there's still an hour to go in this film!

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that. You've been getting flashbacks this whole movie of some woman you're obviously in love with.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Yeah, but I don't remember that.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Then who the hell is having those flashbacks? I'll admit I've had fantasies about being alone in the middle of nowhere with Daniel Craig, but  I'm usually in them.

DANIEL CRAIG brings OLIVIA WILDE back to the others. Unfortunately, she DIES. At that moment, SAVAGE INJUNS appear!

 SAVAGE INJUNS:
 A-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! We take-um squaw!

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Um, is this cool? I mean, I know it happened all the time in Westerns, but aren't we coming dangerously close to a lawsuit?

 SAVAGE INJUNS:
 We sell you for firewater! A-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

CUT TO:
EXT. OLD WEST INJUN CAMP

The SAVAGE INJUNS round up the townsfolk and bring them to their camp, which apparently takes all day, because it's NIGHT when they get there. They unceremoniously dump OLIVIA WILDE'S CORPSE in the fire like yesterday's garbage.

 AUDIENCE:
 I'm a bit uncomfortable that I found their cavalier treatment of her body amusing.

Suddenly, OLIVIA WILDE is reborn in the fire like the PHOENIX

 EVERYBODY IN ANY WAY REMOTELY INVOLVED WITH THIS MOVIE:
 What the fuck?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Right, so, as probably even the dimmest audience member figured out by now, I'm an alien too. But I'm from a race of good aliens.

 HARRISON FORD:
 At this point, you could probably tell me that you're me from the future and I'd calmly accept it.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 So, is this where we're going to find out a lot of important information about what's going on?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Yes.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Like how I'm able to fire this thing on my wrist?

 HARRISON FORD:
 Or how you came back from the dead?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Or whether this is your natural form, or if you're a shapechanger, or you're inhabiting the body of some incredibly hot human woman?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Uh, no. We're not going to explain any of that.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Ok, then how about when the others of your race will be coming to help us?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 They're not. You're on your own.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Oh. Well, can you at least tell us why the demons are here?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 They want gold.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 What? That's the best you can come up with? They're here for gold? That doesn't make any sense. Gold has no intrinsic value. We humans only use  it for money because we like shiny things. There's absolutely no reason to assume that other beings would value it as much as humans do.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 It's just as rare where they come from as it is here.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Nuh-uh, sister, that ain't gonna fly. People thought it was ridiculous that the aliens from Battlefield Earth were here for gold, so they're  sure not gonna accept it a second time. And why are they capturing our people? For slave labor?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 No, their mining operations are 100% automated. Really, the aliens themselves don't have to be here. They captured your people to study their  weaknesses.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Weaknesses? They're like 1,000 years more advanced than us! I don't think we'd have anything but weaknesses compared to them.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Well, look, this is all a thinly disguised metaphor for when the White Man came and took over the New World. And when they did that, they  captured Indians.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 As slaves, which according to what you said before, these demons have no need for. We didn't even know they were here until they started  marauding. It seems like they're only kidnapping us to be pricks.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Look, will you shut up if I tell you how to get your memories back?

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Sure. What do I need to do?

 SAVAGE INJUNS:
 Smoke-um peace pipe!

DANIEL does. He has a FLASHBACK to when he was captured by the ALIENS.

CUT TO:

INT. OLD WEST ALIEN MOTHERSHIP

DANIEL CRAIG lies on an ALIEN BED while an ALIEN conducts experiments on other people.

 EVIL ALIEN:
 Dum-de-dum, don't mind me, just vivisecting your wife.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Alright, now I get to see by what daring feat of heroics I managed to escape with one of the alien's weapons!

 EVIL ALIEN:
 (moving over to DANIEL CRAIG)
 Doo-dee-doo, time to work on this human. Man, this arm cannon thingy is really chaffing. I'll just take it off and put it down within arm's  reach of this unrestrained, fully-conscious human.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 I'll just take that!

He does.

 EVIL ALIEN:
 Oh, shit! I'm too stupid to live!

DANIEL CRAIG FIRES at the alien's head, wounding him in a way which would definitely be fatal to a HUMAN.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Well, I'll be very surprised if I see him again.

He heads out of the ALIEN MOTHERSHIP, but blood loss or something causes him to pass out, in the exact spot we found him at the beginning of the film.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE OLD WEST, THE NEXT DAY

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Alright, now that I remember where the demon's mothership is, we can get our people back!

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 You and I will sneak in while everyone else here creates a distraction.

 HARRISON FORD:
 I'll get these Indians organized by yelling at them in a manner which is clearly insulting but strangely free of the type of racial slurs you'd  expect from a character like me.

 SAVAGE INJUNS:
 Respect-um other cultures, kimo-sabe.

CUT TO:

INT. OLD WEST ALIEN MOTHERSHIP

DANIEL and OLIVIA sneak inside while all the cool stuff is happening off-camera. They witness the UTTERLY BIZARRE AND NONSENSICAL way the ALIENS are mining gold, in a sequence designed to do nothing but burn through the film's FX BUDGET.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Ok, you need to take off the wrist gun so I can turn it into a bomb. For some reason this will require me to kiss you.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 I will voice no complaint as you strip me of our only effective weapon well before you actually need me to take it off.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Oh, no, don't worry. Regular weapons suddenly work on the aliens, unlike before when bullets just bounced off.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Is the movie even going to bother explaining that?

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Nope. Ok, now run! I need to take this thing to the engine core or whatever to blow the ship up.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 But you'll die too! Let me do the heroic sacrifice thing. My character was more or less built for it.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Except that you have absolutely no idea where to go or how to blow up the ship, and it would take me far too long to explain it to you.

 DANIEL CRAIG
 ...Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense. Later!

OLIVIA begins crawling through the organic-looking ductwork.

 OLIVIA WILDE:
 Man, is there a single piece of these aliens' technology that isn't completely disgusting?

OLIVIA continues to crawl through the ducts. An ALIEN chases after her, but despite the fact that he's moving about 4x faster than she is, he never gets close enough for her to even hear him, making this sequence BORING rather than TENSE.

CUT TO:

INT. SOME OTHER PART OF THE SHIP, PROBABLY

Meanwhile, DANIEL CRAIG runs to save the townsfolk. He finds them, staring blankly at an object emitting a pale blue glow. The AUDIENCE recoils as the SUBTLE REFERENCE TO TELEVISION buffets them about the head. DANIEL CRAIG rescues them, but not before the alien who was experimenting on him returns for a grudge match that everybody saw coming.

 HARRISON FORD:
 Don't worry, I'll help you!

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Well, I guess this is where you die nobly sacrificing yourself to save me and the townsfolk.

 HARRISON FORD:
 Nope, only Olivia gets a heroic sacrifice in this movie.

 DANIEL CRAIG:
 Somehow I feel like that should be a challenge to my masculinity.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE OLD WEST

DANIEL CRAIG and HARRISON FORD escape with the captives. The MOTHERSHIP blows up!

 AUDIENCE:
 All appears to be well. Except...

THE DOG appears, unscathed!

 AUDIENCE:
 Yay! Now it's a happy ending!

END