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Now, on with the tropes.
1. In the 80s, all solid, inorganic objects were required by law to be designed so that they explode in a roaring fireball when struck with a projectile moving faster than a lobbed rock. This requirement was rescinded sometime in the early 90s, though Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay are known to still adhere to its spirit.
2. The only objects still under the auspice of the "very explodable" law are vehicles. Automobiles in particular are so unstable and volatile that they have been known to explode as the result of rolling off the road, falling off a cliff, or being exposed to harsh language.
3. Airplanes have a special addendum attached to them. They are not allowed to crash or explode (preferably both at the same time) unless and until they have flown behind something, such as a hill or a tall building.
4. If a something is about to be blown up, the recommended way to survive the blast is to run away with a look of abject terror frozen to your face. At some point, you must dive face-first to the ground, preferably in slow motion. For some reason, diving to the ground seems to be what actually triggers the explosion. Despite this, you are required to do it.
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| Just as long as he doesn't start singing "My Mammy." |
6. There are three ways to determine whether someone is of notable intelligence: the presence of eyeglasses, the unexplained need to use unnecessarily complex (or "big") words, and/or wild eccentricities that constantly teeter on the border between amusing and dangerous.
7. Rich white guys are all douchebags, unless a woman with a heart of gold steps in. Then, the man is guaranteed to see the error of his ways within 90 minutes, usually during a montage.
8. There are only two kinds of people in the world; those who know absolutely nothing about computers, and those who have the magical ability to make computers do anything they want.
9. The latter group is composed solely of social misfits, whacked-out conspiracy theorists, and ultra-paranoid passive-aggressives. In the 90s, they were also all into punk culture. In the 21st Century, they are all into Star Wars.
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| Not now, Mom! I'm at the IPs, killing his internets |
10. The most skilled of the afore-mentioned people always live with their mother.
11. Rear-view mirrors in cars are optional features.
12. Tire irons are not. Not for changing flat tires, but for threatening to crush people's skulls.
13. The rules of the road don't apply to women, especially hot women in fast cars.
14. It is not necessary to pay any attention to the road while driving. Simply carry on a conversation with any passengers (preferably in the form of exposition) while occasionally jerking the wheel in one direction or another.
15. Only morally reprehensible people smoke. Unless it's an indie film, in which case every man, woman, and child on Earth is nursing a two-pack-a-day habit.
16. It is always dusk in Russia, and there is always between 2-4 inches of snow on the ground. It is also always snowing, yet the level of the snow never rises. (also applies to every European country with a poor economy.)
17. Any cop less than two weeks away from retirement should make sure his or her life insurance premiums are paid up.
18. Bears are dangerous, yet amusing. Raccoons are just amusing. (Also, the humor level of a talking animal is conversely proportionate to how dangerous it is. (Talking chipmunk = hilarious, Talking shark = evil).)
19. Police agencies run very careful psychological screens of every member of the force. This is to ensure that every cop's partner is his exact opposite.
20. Any and all single fathers raising their children are widowers. Likewise, all single mothers were in relationships with total deadbeats (abusiveness optional but recommended). This is because all women are natural nuturers and find maternal instinct practically impossible to ignore; while at best, 50% of men might make adequate fathers given time and patience.
21. Women never think about or discuss sex, especially around other women.
22. Women always think about or discuss sex, especially around other women.
23. Only stuffy stuck-up sissy men like the opera.
24. It takes immense discipline and effort for a man to do anything other than fantasize about every woman within line of sight.
25. Physical injury to the male genital area is always hilarious and never causes permanent damage.
26. Also a constant source of comedy: gay men. Unless they are a source of intense sadness. Gay men are never in the background or unimportant.
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| Watch one episode and tell me you wouldn't beat her. |
28. Take care, though. If said brats continue those habits into adulthood, they are doomed to become either semi-annoying comic relief sidekicks, or David Spade.
30. 98% of all people have glass jaws. A single punch to the face will knock them unconscious for as long as needed.
31. Being knocked unconcious will never have any lasting negative effects, regardless of the object used or duration of time passed out. If any effects are felt, make sure to rub that back of your head and make a witty comment, that should clear things up nicely.
32. Any fight where the first punch does not render the individual unconcious will result in a true no holds barred battle that will make every martial artist think twice about messing with either combatant.
33. Taxi drivers never speak any better than mostly-comprehensible English, unless they are simply masquerading as cab drivers to bring someone else to a secret location against their will. Note that having a thick Brooklyn accent counts as mostly-comprehensible English. Cab drivers with said Brooklyn accent are not required to be living or working in New York.
34. At any given moment, in any major city, there is a high speed car chase taking place. At the very least, one car will be stolen/commandeered, and property damage will never be less than tens of thousands of dollars. Federal law mandates that at least one clip's worth of bullets should be expended in random fire in public areas with lots of innocent bystanders. For some reason, no one minds this.
35. The number of bullets in any given gun can range at random from one less than the person needs, to a value approaching infinity. A godo rule of thumb is that the number of bullets a gun holds at any given time is directly proportional to its proximity to the target (point blank = empty, 5 blocks away = infinite)
36. Standard procedure when securing an area with possible hostiles is to send in one lone operative (or sometimes a team of generic operatives), preferably someone no one has had a chance to become emotionally attached to. When (not if) that person dies, the rest are free to proceed.
37. Lakes of oil or tar (or any viscous liquid for that matter), raging water, extreme weather, hails of gunfire, or any other seemingly deadly situation is never more than a slight impediment to one sufficiently motivated. FLAMING lakes of oil or tar are a greater bullet impediment, and statisticly increase the swimmer's chances of escaping from them
38. Total strangers often run into each other multiple times over the course of their lives, and always in situations that are fundamentally similar. For instance, a person can move to a new country, join a hermitage, and jump 50 years back in time. Eventually, the exact same cop will commandeer his vehicle, or need to use his phone, or crash into his home shooting wildly. This is not seen as a mind-boggling coincidence, but merely quirky and somewhat amusing to those not directly involved in the action.
39. The plucky underdogs will always win in the end, especially if their final foe just happens to be the original contender they squared off against. This is perfectly Ok, because the reigning champions always use underhanded tricks or are vaguely unlikable, thus destroying any sense of sympathy or moral ambiguity for them. Also, the underdogs are always plucky.
40. When paying for a cab, it is not necessary to ask the drive how much, nor to even count how much money you are giving him, just reach into your pocket and grab a wad of cash and give it to him, it will ALWAYS be the right amount.
41. Sometimes paying isn't even necessary. Just step out of the cab and continue with your business. In some cases simply thanking the cabbie is payment enough.
42. When answering or hanging up a phone, you never need to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" to the person.
43. Grocery bags must always, ALWAYS, contain at least one stick of French Bread. The older you are, the more bags you are required to carry while crossing a busy intersection.
44. Any door to any building can be knocked down with a simple shoulder rush or kick....unless the door leads into a burning building with a baby trapped inside.
45. Throwing a half-smoked lit cigarette into/onto a building/car/person that has casually been sprinkled with 1 gallon of gasoline per square mile will always erupt into a 4-alarm fire, but the dog will always survive.
46. 70% of all black people are Denzel Washington.
47. The other 50% of black people are Samuel L. Jackson. Yes, that equals 130%. Black people didn't exist until the 40's and then they were all vagrants. They have to make up for lost time.
48. The best way to survive a hail of gunfire from automatic weapons is to run straight and dive behind a wooden table.
49. If you are the bad guy, no matter what weapon you are using, nor what training you have had, you will only manage to injure a few innocent bystanders and completely miss your target, unless the said target is a rogue cop, then you will hit him in his shoulder/leg, severely inconveniencing his day.
50. The only way for the bad guys to kill the good guy is if the good guy is atoning for some personal sin. Redemption can only be found in death.
51. If you are the good guy, you can use any projectile-type weapon (i.e. rubber bands and paper clips) and always hit your target in the head from a distance 10x the maximum effective range of such a weapon.
52. As long as it happened within the last few minutes, anyone can be brought back from the dead by improperly-applied CPR and a few shouts of "Don't you die, dammit!" Also, regardless of how long the heart was stopped for, the victim will not find his health, recovery, or lifespan in any way impaired when brought back.
53. The previous rule does not apply if the person's death will somehow cause the person attempting resuscitation to grow as an individual, or change his life for the better.
54. With few exceptions, anyone on the brink of death will live just long enough to deliver one final message. In some cases, they will live long enough to recite a dissertation.
55. All African-Americans, and I do mean all of them, are from the ghetto and grew up in abject poverty. The only way for a black person to succeed in the world is to pretend that he or she is white. Consequently, all rich black guys have "forgotten their roots." They will live in a constant limbo, never accepted by white people or black people, unless and until an amusing, racially offensive friend from the "Hood" shows up to remind him of what is important in life (Note: this often includes family, but most often the important things are cheap malt liquor and loose women).
56. Theory equals practice. For example, anyone who has carefully studied trigonometry and physics is guaranteed to be an expert pool shark the first time they pick up the cue.
57. Following the logic of the previous statement, all scientists are also engineers. Any scientist, upon completing a theory, can and will immediately begin work on a device that will allow him to practically apply his new theory to some end. Usually it's a weapon (or something that can be turned into a weapon with astonishing ease).
58. 90% of all scientific discoveries will either "revolutionize the field," or "throw into question everything we thought we knew about the world."
59. The time needed to trace a telephone call is always four seconds longer than the call lasted, regardless of how long the call was.
60. Inside every ugly person is a beautiful person waiting to be set free. All that's needed is a fasionable friend or two who pretends to buy into that "it's what's inside that counts" garbage, some expertly applied make-up, a haircut, clothes that aren't "like totally gross," and a dressing screen or door to step out from behind and shout "Ta-da!" This is because men are vain and shallow, and women only care about pretty eyes and a winning smile.
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