How to Spot a Time Traveller

Excuse me, sir, you appear to be injured.

To go by television and movies, time travelers are not only common, they're ubiquitous. It seems like every ten minutes, someone is appearing from the past or the future into our time. The reasons vary. They may be here by accident, or they're here to change some terrible wrong that happened in their time. They may be the future version of tourists, or they've been brought here by fate because they're the only ones who can stop something that's about to happen. Or they could just be here to use their future knowledge/technology to dupe us people of the past. So you may be asking yourself, if the world is so full of time-travelers, why haven't I met any of them?

The obvious answer, of course, is that you have, but you didn't realize it.

Time travelers, at least, those who are here on purpose, are surprisingly reticent to announce their presence. This makes a certain amount of sense. Anyone who knows anything about time travel is familiar with the concept of time paradox. While it may be mildly embarrassing to tell someone at a party that you're not supposed to be here and you just snuck in, to do the same while traveling through time could cause the whole of reality to unravel before your eyes. And at that point, you can't just apologize to the host and make a gracious exit. Destroying the whole of reality has a tendency to get you blacklisted from social events.

In fact, there are only a few circumstances under which a time traveler will be up-front. Here's a short list of reasons.

1. He or she is you from the future. This is generally easy to spot, especially after it's been pointed out to you.
2. You have just been through a series of harrowing misadventures with a complete stranger, who seems perfectly at home with the bizarre occurrences. This is especially probable if in the course of your flight from danger you witnessed things that call you to question everything you thought you knew about how reality works. Even under these circumstances, the time traveler will not explain anything until you, in a blind panic, start screaming things like "What the hell was that thing?" "Who the hell are you?" "What the hell is going on?"
3. The time traveler has specifically come back (or forward) to help you. Even in this case, they may not say "I'm from the future/past."
4. You're the evil mastermind he's come to stop. Note that you have to actually already be an evil mastermind (or are on the verge of formulating a sinister plan) for this to apply. Time travelers seem reluctant to stop an evil mastermind by getting to him while he's young. While it may make sense to go back and stop -for instance- Hitler by killing him as a child (or possibly by hugging him more), for some reason this is never taken as an option.

Paradox Schmaradox, Doc. Should I get with my mom or not?

Granted, these things are probably unlikely to ever happen to you. It's a sad fact that personages of historical significance don't appear all that often, and even when they do, it's unlikely to be you. At best, you can hope to be the parent of the savior of humanity. Sadly, humanity seems to need saving relatively seldom.

But while a person from another time may not want to make his or her presence known, there are a few things you can do to spot one of them. When you meet a stranger, ask yourself the following questions to determine whether or not he's a time traveler.

1. Does he seem to be inordinately interested in today's date?
2. Does he keep staring at perfectly normal things and muttering  "It's amazing we ever survived such a primitive age." or "I never thought I'd see one with my own eyes."
3. Is he wandering around in clothing that seems out of place? Perhaps the cut of his suit is unfashionable, or he looks like he's in his pajamas, or his clothes look like they're made of tin foil. A bewildered looking man in full plate armor astride a horse downtown has either wandered in accidentally from the past, or is part of the local Renaissance Faire and is simply lost.
4. Does he speak in a language/dialect/use slang unfamiliar to you? Note that this is probably the least conclusive, especially in cosmopolitan urban setting. The best way to test this, assuming he speaks something close to a language you speak, is to mention the name of your town. Keep an ear open for clues such as "Ah, yes, that's what they called this city Pre-Collapse."
5. Does he find some aspect of our current roster of politicians amusing? This was far easier to gauge in the 80s, when time travelers frequently caught themselves out by laughing at the idea of a former actor being President.
6. When you ask "Are you a time traveler," does he respond in the affirmative?
7. Does he ask you about an event that either just happened, is happening now, or is scheduled to occur soon? After answering, does he say "Then there's still time." or "No! It's already too late!"
8. Is his name "Jonathan 198" or "Ugg?"
9. Does he have on his person one or more items you can't immediately identify?
10. Has he appeared in front of you from out of nowhere, possibly saying "And they said time travel was impossible!" or "Take that, Special Theory of Relativity!"
11. Does he bear an uncanny resemblance to a famous historical figure, right down to the way he's dressed?
12. Have you met this person as part of a surprisingly detailed oral report in your history class spearheaded by a pair who till this point had been underachievers dreaming of one day starting a band?
13. Does he respond to simple questions with "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
14. Does he give you a detailed account of what your unborn children will be like?
15. Is he confused by common figures of speech? Ex. "Wild horses couldn't stop me." "What do horses have to do with this?"

Every Yes is worth one point. Every No is worth 0 points.

Scoring:

0-2: Doubtful. He is probably not a time traveler. More likely he is a liar or crazy. On the other hand, he could be an alien, as time travelers and aliens share many of the same strange habits. Keep a close eye on him and wait for our next installment: How to Spot an Alien Masquerading as Human.

3-6: Unlikely. While the chances of him being a time traveler are better, they're not good. It is recommended you do not mention to your friends that you "met the strangest person today." Uttering that phrase is a giant red flag to Fate that the two of you are destined to meet again, and possibly even have sex. This could turn out to be embarrassing if he turns out to not be from another time.

7-10: Probable. It is entirely possible that you are dealing with a time traveler. It is advised that you not let the time traveler know that you've figured him out, as this always annoys them, and you don't want to be the plucky comic relief, do you? On the other hand, pay careful attention to things he does like buying lottery tickets or betting on sporting events. Make sure you follow his lead. Don't bet more than you can afford, however, just in case your hunch is wrong.

11-15: Time traveler. Congratulations. It is extremely likely you have encountered flotsam on the sea of temporal causality. If he admits himself to you, be sure to do anything he says. After all, it's entirely possible that your actions could help save the world. And if he turns out to be the bad guy attempting to use his knowledge of the future to alter the course of human events to his desires, hey; a job's a job, right?

-Long Days and Pleasant Nights